dun tell me that deep in ur minds and hearts, you never blame me at all.

i'm sorry for being stupid. but i've no idea what i can do to rectify.

aiya. failed.

hack it lar.

i hope i'm right to persist and continue striving.

i hate you.

i hate you when you chose to get drunk when i had my friends (11 of my jc classmates) over at the house.

i hate you when you mentioned dad and ruined the atmosphere.

i hate you when you pretend that you're not drunk.

but most of all, i hate myself for not being able to do anything about it all.

my spirits were totally dampened beyond dampened when i brought home my friends and saw you in this state.

perhaps i'm too selfish. but i just wanna bring some xmas atmosphere to u.

but i guess seeing others happy just make you feel sad.

even if you hate admitting it. but you are. selfish. like any other human beings.

or like what you love to say. like dad.

do you know how much i felt like crying?

do you know how much i had to control?

do you know what it feels like in my place?

you don't. and i'm not going to tell you. because you will never know.

just like i will never know why you have to drown yourself in alcohol and misery combined.

as i'm typing this, i can still feel it.

i wish that by blogging, i could deposit them here. even if it's just temporary.

i'm tired, mum.

i'm tired.

i hate you for blaming everything and anything on others and not yourself.

i hate everything about you when you're drunk.

and i pity you.

but all these hatred and pity only pushed the stake deeper= into my heart and intensified the pain.

because ultimately

i still love you.

how unhealthy to have such a post in the morning.

a minute into afternoon.

but i have to.

i was lying on the bed and eavesdropping to your phone conversation to dad's past employee

and cringe when i heard all the blatant lies.

you love going out? since when? why am i not notified?

you want to grab a job? since when? you've been saying that since forever but when have you really mustered the courage to take the first step?

you'll wait for me to get a job first before you go out and grab a job? since sec school, you've been waiting for me. but why me? why must you wait for me? you're not obliged to. i'm 21. i'm an adult already. even before i attain 21 years of age, i've a mind of my own and i believe i'm mature in my very own way.

so why use me as your shield? just because i'm the youngest?

mum, stop lying to yourself. stop ill-treating yourself.

i don't know how to help you. oh oh doesn't know how to help you.

we can't do anything.

be there for you? i've heard that advice a gadzillion times for those rare moments when i confided my close friends.

but it just didn't work.

because she is not satisfied with just us alone.

what she wants

i don't wanna repeat.

i'm tired, too.

to getaway ytd was awesome.

blurring between the lines of fantasy and reality.

are you always like this in the afternoon?

why must you do this to yourself?

to aggravate your pain and ascertain your existence?

does it help?

no i don't think so. i doubt it makes your life better. it only makes your life worse.

but what can i do?

nothing but watch you wallow in self-pity.

we've tried. but nothing works.

all you want is his revival. all you want is to turn back time.

all you want is something impossible.

all we want is for you to pick yourself up and continue with life.

and it seems that all we want is something impossible, too.

you said that human beings are scary, that relationships with human beings only hurt.

so we know.

but why not see without those heavily tinted glasses of yours?

the world would be blur. but it would be easier to live.

what can we do to remove those stuck-on glasses?

nothing. absolutely nothing.

perhaps you'll never be truly happy again.

but we can't do anything, anything at all.

because we're not gods, for goodness sake.

who what where when why how!
=(
confused

joke of the day: paying $45 bucks to fail a paper.

no malaysia trip for me in the end!
woke up too late...
aish =(
it's raining and i'm home alone...
well, at least i've my cats =)

i miss home =(

and i still have 7 more chapters fr 435.

and i haven't touched 429.

and both papers are on mon, 1 after another.

i think i'm gonna die.

and i miss home =(

i have another confession.

i was so sad that i ate all the chocolates in my room.

1 kinder bueno and 1 time-out mel gave me.

and now i feel fat.

=(

i fucked up my paper.

and i'm serious. no joke.

if i can get an overall B, i'll be like fucking happy, honest.

ya know what? this could be my first C in NTU.

serious.

and i tell ya, it's not 'easy' to get a C in CS but

there could be such an exception this time round.

fucked.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

and only when they pointed out, that i realised i've been ignoring you.

i know you read this blog.

so i just wanna say i'm sorry.

i'm getting sick of my attitude, ignoring for no good reasons.

sorry yb.

for the first time ever, there's colour in this blog.

back to topic.

as per normal, i was distracted from studies. just can't seem to get away from them.

my friend shared this clip entitled 'house of small cubes' which won an Oscar '09

it was fabulously done. almost magical.

the waters of time

flooding constructed spaces of memories.

at the very end of it

what stayed afloat was only the present.

built upon the layers of memories

the unique materials that make you

you.

i couldn't help but think of how this resonates with the idea that i hold recently.

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=93797423824&ref=nf

该放手的时候就要懂得放手。

在日常生活中，我觉得自己已经放手了。

但我觉得在我心深处，我还是无法自我。

看到生离死别、看到亲情， 我眼角仍然湿润。我的心仍然会痛。

赤赤地痛。

看电影时，我想，有机会亲口说再见比较好？还是萧然离去比较好？

不知道你怎么想？

在这夜深人静的夜晚

本来应该很累，但根本不想入睡。

等会儿有流星雨，不知道有没有机会看到。

其实，我的愿望，再多的流星也无法实现。

我好想再听到你对我说

宝贝，爸爸爱你。



该放手的时候就要懂得放手...

朋友，你的名字叫自己

众里寻他千百度。

人在城里怕孤单，就得交朋友。但是，心态最好不要太天真，有时也不必太认真。
一般城市人对“朋友”的定义，有好多层次，深浅到宽窄到远近。

“浅”朋友见面打招呼，别过脸就自然不会笑了；“深”朋友可把茶杯里的风波谈成壮阔的波澜。
但是，别以为天天在饭桌上无所不谈，就可深交； 也不必以为能够推心置腹，就能深交; 更不要以为曾经是战友的，已成深交。

有时候，他们都只是过客。

在城市人的处世课业中，“情绪智商”（EQ）是抵达成功的罗盘。人跟人接触的面向、选项、花样也就因此复杂起来，花团锦簇。

最好心知肚明，若干时候的融洽也只发生于碰面，不见面彼此也许是对方手机里以备急用的一组号码。

积极地看，这种关系单纯、直接、透明而公平，纠缠少，轻松。

这也并不表示要待人以假，省下的真心也许会围困于寂寞，但总比撞个血肉模糊的来得好。

但是，有一个人，城市人是绝对不能错过。

和这个人交往，不用看嘴脸，可免表面功夫，喜怒不必藏，对话也直接到位。

这个人，就叫做“我”。

不是孤芳自赏或者滥搞自恋，自己的存在，唯有自己能肯定。所以，就算全世界背对着你，自己还能跟自己微笑。万里独行也就不孤独。
面对自己的最大难度，是如何接受、体谅、善待自己。所以，再忙碌的每天，几分钟也好，都得和自己沟通，感性联系，理智剖析。

朋友如潮水，深深浅浅来来去去。

蓦然回首，灯火阑珊处，只有自己

文：吴悠律

如果我的中文能力有那么强的话，我也会写出那么一篇文章。
花了半个钟头把这篇文章打出来，是因为真的喜欢。
可能有一些伤感，但对我而言，是事实。
坚定不移的事实。

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

- Neil Gaiman -

Actually I don't feel that this is negative.
Perhaps it's coz I feel that it's true.
And truth, be it negative or positive, somehow seems to possess a neutral quality.
Until someone comes along and makes you question the quality of truth you once held close to your heart.
Simply because someone's presence is enough to brighten up your day. That's all.
And this makes you feel that perhaps, just perhaps, for this time,
Two is Better Than One

离人

银色小船摇摇晃晃弯弯
悬在绒绒的天上
你的心事三三俩俩蓝蓝
停在我幽幽心上

你说情到深处人怎能不孤独
爱到浓时就牵肠挂肚
我的行李孤孤单单散散惹惆怅

离人放逐到边界
彷佛走入第五个季节
昼夜乱了和谐 潮泛任性涨退
字典里没春天

离人挥霍著眼泪
回避还在眼前的离别
你不敢想明天
我不肯说再见
有人说一次告别
天上就会有颗星又熄灭

(music)

银色小船摇摇晃晃弯弯
悬在绒绒的天上
你的心事三三俩俩蓝蓝
停在我幽幽心上

你说情到深处人怎能不孤独
爱到浓时就牵肠挂肚
我的行李孤孤单单散散惹惆怅

离人放逐到边界
彷佛走入第五个季节
昼夜乱了和谐 潮泛任性涨退
字典里没春天

离人挥霍著眼泪
回避还在眼前的离别
你不敢想明天
我不肯说再见
有人说一次告别
天上就会有颗星又熄灭
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
忽然想起这首歌，还真的很突然。
就立刻来找了。
不然这一天就无法开始了。

hello to you in the mirror

it's been a long time since i last took a close look at you.

you look like a stranger to me now, somehow.

or perhaps you've always been like one.

fuck.

why am i so fucking stressed up?

what am i thinking?

how can i be a PR person like this?

fuck.

fuck.

fucked up.

妈妈不见了租屋后面那三只猫.

那段互相依赖的关系也瞬间烟消云散了.

我不了解这个关系, 但我相信应该与我和舞蹈, 我和朋友的关系是差不多的.

电话中的她哽咽, 我们都知道她要哭了.

她立即放下电话.

我去跑了.

路上, 我想, 人到底可以接受多少痛楚?

不管多么乐观的人, 如果一而再,再而三地被逼承受痛苦, 还会乐观吗?

看着月亮, 我竟然可以流泪.

今天的月亮, 很圆, 很漂亮.

夺去了天空的色彩.

其实那天空也很特别.

或许执着只会让人盲目, 看不到生命中的色彩.

即使那色彩是多么的微小, 始终算是色彩.

我发现自己真的很会安慰自己.

路灯投往水中的倒影, 可以让我赞叹它的美.

就算是在马路上跑, 也可发现漆黑中的闪烁, 像星星一样.

人生大概就是这样

苦中一点甜, 才能好好的活下去.

i chanced upon my shutterfly account when i was looking through my archives.

i haven't touched it for 2 years ever since fb came in as the 3rd party.

only 2 years.

but i felt that i've evolved so much.

this happy girl who used to be me now seems like a stranger to me.

i loathed the way she wrote her blog entries.

i laughed at her fashion sense.

i smirked at how she included every single detail in her entries.

i mocked her innocence and trust in her future self to remember these things.

yet at the same time, i am jealous.

i've lost much memories about her.

most of it.

not the night.

my loved one didn't get into her desired internship company. and didn't get into her second one as well.

life.

my sister's keeper was a great show.

it makes me wonder

perhaps dad left earlier coz he's afraid that if he didn't, he will turn into a vegetable or something else that will add onto our burden. if that happened, perhaps his daughter might not be able to dance as much as now. if that happened, perhaps his son might not be able to watch as much dvd as now. if that happened, perhaps mum will not be so actively helping out the cats. if that happened, perhaps we will never have chichi.

perhaps that's why, he left after 2 days in coma.

strangely, i feel that i understand how much Kate wants to die. if i were in her condition and i've the ability, i will end of my life immediately. not that i don't treasure my life, but that i believe by staying alive, i will bring much more pain to my family and friends as they have to put up with witnessing my suffering.

and i never liked to trouble others when i'm emo. only a few got the taste of it. and i'm always apologetic after that.

being me, strong front or not, i will definitely love to have my last dignity.

travelling back hall, i felt pain in the head and when i got back to my room, after repeated exposures to 失落沙洲, the pain transcends to the heart.

it's just that.

pain

darling i know how hard it is for you but pls know that we are all here for you.

yes, we. all of us.

love you very very very much.

wish to have you in my arms now.

i just came back from my friend's mini concert at NYGH audi.

her entire family came to support her.

we helped them with a family photo.

then, her father took out his phone to take a photo of her beautiful daughter in stage costume.

if i were to have any lesser control, i would have broken down already.

i was brought back to the times when you were still around to take photos of your daughter in glamorous costumes and exaggerated stage makeup, and when you never fail to tell her how much she shone on stage and how gorgeous she was, even if she did blunders during performances. i was brought back to the times when you and mum will wait in silence outside the theater while their daughter entertain her friends after concert, and welcome me with simple family warmth. all that i need.

i was so jealous.

so. very. much. jealous.

the jealousy came in the form of tears which i managed to suppress albeit much effort involved.

imagine the consequences if i didn't. everyone will be stunned, at a loss of what to do, and i would have spoilt everyone else's day.

and i would never want to hurt my girl.

so many times i've heard, to be yourself, pursue what you want, just go for it.

but so many times i did not do it.

perhaps i was really too practical.

but i'm an irony in existence.

i went home and mum told me that kao got some kidney problem, but she said it was nothing too serious.

but i'm scared.

I questioned myself.

What happened? And I found no answer.

I don't know what happened to me anymore.

I don't understand what I'm thinking.

And I have the slightest idea about what I want.

I hate to be submissive.

Or perhaps I'm afraid to be.

I never dare to take the gamble.

And I never dare to take the step.

But you'll be fine.

And I sincerely wish you all the best. =)

每一次的欢声笑语后
我都会不禁地想
这是不是只是我一厢情愿的希望

希望自己真的开心
希望自己真的能给周围的人带来快乐

生日快乐
对不起，伤害了你
但时光已逝
我惟有尝试弥补
做一个更好的朋友

失落沙洲

又來到這個港口 沒有原因的拘留
我的心乘著斑駁的輕舟
尋找失落的沙洲

隨 時間的海浪漂流
我用力張開雙手
擁抱那麼多起起落落
想念的還是你望著我的眼波

我不是一定要你回來
只是當又一個人看海
回頭才發現你不在
留下我迂迴的徘徊

我不是一定要你回來
只是當又把回憶翻開
除了你之外的空白
還有誰能來教我愛

又回到這個盡頭 我也想再往前走
只是愈看見海闊天空
愈遺憾沒有你分享我的感動

我不是一定要你回來
只是當又一個人看海
疲憊的身影不是我
不是你想看見的我

我不是一定要你回來
只是當獨自走入人海
除了你之外的依賴
還有誰能叫我勇敢

除了你之外的空白
還有誰能來教我愛

第一次跟着唱，竟然唱到哭了。
歌词与歌曲，感染力好强。
尤其是歌词，真的让我感同身受。。。

我觉得
自己的笑容好像变得不漂亮了。。。

failed driving.

i knew it. i just knew it.

prior to the test, i received so much depressing news.

ryan's dad passed away, the p4 girl knocked down by a CAR and died, witnessed a TRAFFIC accident e day before today, got a freaking tough press release assignment on a release of a new CAR, mum telling me abt a mum and daughter bringing a dead kitten to the vet not knowing that it's dead...

best part. the rain started falling heavily just as i started my driving test and i couldn't see e back view properly and had to go for multiple attempts.

my life.

this is my life. this is how much it resembles a joke.

this is how amazingly suay it could be.

疯子

刷牙我想哭　洗脸我想哭　
走路我想哭　静止我想哭
出太阳我想哭　起风我想哭　
听歌我想哭　看喜剧我想哭

我控制不住自己　
负担太重的情绪
我拒绝　面对结局　
沉重的问题 我不想听

你给的很多规矩　
说了很久的道理　
却麻木了我的心
再压抑　再压抑　我快不行
天摇地动　昏天暗地

有眼泪没眼泪　你觉得我疯了
我瞬间耳鸣　听不见你们说的
我疯言我疯语　眼泪让我瞎了
模糊我眼前世界　
原来快乐要用悲伤换得

可值不值得　你别想否认　
我要的自由能不能得永生
可是我累了　我只好哭了　
我像疯子般的不停的哭
我没有出路　
你也当我是个疯子　
我是个疯子

i took a long bath.

i scrubbed myself so hard that it hurts.

but nothing could beat this.

i tried swallowing my sorrows with gulps and gulps of water

subsequently, i felt like vomiting

but i couldn't do it.

now it's stuck in my throat.

once again spreading like a virus throughout my body.

i know how horribly sad you'll feel when you know that you couldn't be there for me.

couldn't be there to help me with along with life.

couldn't be there to cheer me up.

couldn't be there to teach me how to drive.

couldn't be there to tell me that in life, as long as you've tried your best, it's fine.

it must be worse than the pain i'm going through now.

how do i articulate to anyone about my desire to pass this friday's driving test?

how?

i'm not gifted with the ability.

will i or will i not succeed?
i keep telling myself that i HAVE to do it. i NEED to do it.
and i really hope that this will allow me to pull through.

clam.

演出后
当妈妈拒绝与我拍照
我有想落泪的感觉
那时
我多么希望你在这里
也许只是我不晓得而已
你今天也可能在场
看你女儿第一次表演嘻哈舞蹈

但一起照相
是永远不可能发生的事了。。。

i dreamt of mum's death.

it was so real that i was scared.

am scared.

how long more do i have with her?

往事只能回味
唯有回忆是属于现在的。

忽然想起
以前看了恐怖片会胡思乱想，不敢自己去冲凉时，都会叫你在房间陪我。
而每一次打开冲凉房的门，不是看到你在床上呼噜大睡，就是在小电视机前唱歌。

那台电视，已经有一年多没人开了。
我已经有一年多没听到呼噜声了。

你每次都以为别人明白你给的指示。什么停车场旁边、外面、里面什么的，但我们几乎每次都会搞错。
然后你就会生气，说什么那么简单都不明白。
哈哈

多久没有坐在驾驶座的旁边，我忘了。
我只知道每一次坐别人的车，不知怎么的，都会感到放心。
可能是种习惯吧。

妈妈说如果你还在的话，肯定会反对我天天这样来回学校跳舞。
你说呢？
我觉得你不会反对。
有一次，舞蹈课很迟才放，结果没搭上最后那趟地铁。
朋友们都离去了，只有我在等素不相识的德士司机。
如果你还在，打给你，肯定会骂死我。但最后仍然回来载我的。

宠坏的滋味
已陈旧了。

吃榴莲
但没有你跟我和哥哥一起
总觉得少了什么。
你端来我嘴边的榴莲壳盛着的盐水
好像比较好喝。

如果你还在，一定会整日跟我的儿子玩。
它真的很可爱，很活泼，很贪玩。
一定会让你哈哈大笑。

泪与水融合
但我清楚泪在何处。

first time ever that i went on a day without any sleep.

but it was definitely worth it.

thanks yh sh and pk.

esp. pk.

=)

htht

没有人会喜欢隐藏自己的人

没有人会喜欢不隐藏自己的人

那我到底应该怎么样？

the absolute irony of life

it has been a year without you.

whenever mum is not sober, she will ask many questions.

why why why why why?

questions to which there can never be satisfying answers.

questions that i'll never know how to answer.

in fact, nobody knows.

so what's the point of asking?

why ask?

times like this, i feel like asking her to stop asking.

it's just a waste of tears.

i'm not saying that i'm without doubts. i'm full of them.

why am i the one to endure this? why am i forced to go through this? why can't it be someone else? why does fate pick on us? why can't we spend a longer time with each other?

endless string of questions that the child of life will never finish joining the dots to the right answers.

right objective universally accepted answers.

but what can we do?

honestly, what can we do?

nothing. absolutely nothing but to pack up the mess, suck it in, move on.

that's all.

upon death, perhaps we'll know. perhaps we'll bring the questions with us into the coffins.

homo sapiens are so ephemeral.

i hope that before my flame goes out, i've brightened up ppl's lives.

dad, u did. definitely.

you've lit a flame in me that will never go out till my life ends.

i cried myself to sleep ytd.

thinking of last year... this time...

how i wish i could sleep these days away.

just go into hibernation.

last year's father's day, we were plucking the bean sprouts' roots.

and then dad helped bathed the cats.

we watched them dry their fur in the wind and teased oka and xixi which hate each other.

and then tragedy.

happy belated father's day.

last year, this time. we were at the hospital. i was thinking whether to buy a cake for brother. but i didn't in the end.

why didn't i?

i don't know.

i should really have.

the day is nearing.

i don't even dare think about anything.

it's june.

i had a lot of horrible dreams recently.

my 2 closer friends died in my dreams.

my close friend's mum died in my dreams.

details.

i'm not keen to remember.

watched dance subaru with charms today.

dance, not for anyone, but for yourself.

i should start to do that. and not dance to forget.

i should dance for myself.

i belong to the stage. and i know that.

perhaps that's the only world i belong too.

perhaps.

without me, it's ok.

it's still the same.

看到neko眼睛半开，动也不动的样子，我的心不禁开始悸动

上前一看，原来它正处于半睡半醒的懒状

才愕然发现

我的心脆弱了很多、很多、很多

ytd at base camp we were told to write a letter to our dads.

and i cried and cried and cried as i was writing it.

after that, we were told to voice our afterthoughts.

i could only say.

this is not my first time writing, and definitely not my last.

even though i know that u'll never get to see it again.

i dreamt that these 2 people from MJ dun like me and i confronted them.

and the reason being that they thought i've too much energy and am too cheerful.

so i told them about what happened to me last year.

and i cried in my dreams.

woke up.

and i forgot about my dreams until i sat on the bed and it all came back to me.

the colours of reality infringed my dreams...

i hugged mummy to sleep ytd

and i felt so glad to feel her breathe.

it's going into the month of june.

i'm scared.

there she goes again.

i've seen it coming.

and today, she told me

in her miserable drunken stupor

that her biggest mistake in life is to have brought me and my brother to this world

which she deemed unfair and not suitable for human life.

how can someone thrive on hate and sorrow?

well, she can.

as dad said, she breathes sorrow, drink frustration, gobbles melancholy.

why?

that's something dad never understood.

so do i.

she kept telling me that nothing will happen to her until i graduate.

so what? does that mean that she's going to end her life when i DO graduate?

what should i do? retain forever?

i do not understand why she likes to bring sadness to people whom she loved most.

or perhaps, she just hates me.

because i'm her mistake in life.

Bathroom
To dream that you are in the bathroom, relates to your instinctual urges. You may be experiencing some burdens/feelings and need to "relieve yourself". Alternatively, it may symbolize purification and self-renewal. You need to cleanse yourself, both emotionally and psychologically.

perhaps. perhaps.

before mother's day arrived, i already know what will happen.

these are the key words- drunk, alcohol, sobbing, dad, death, why, clueless, life, fate

every 2 to 3 days, she'll get herself drunk and will kept talking consistently on the same topic repeating the same things.

and i will just try my best to contain myself.

it's irritating. and painful. like millions of needles piercing through one's heart.

after that, she'll hide in the bathroom or on bed and whine and cry and sob her heart out.

sometimes i wonder. how on earth did i turn out to be what people perceived as normal?

i do not know.

sometimes, i just want to be alone and away.

My Ideal Funeral

One of my p school classmates died of motorcar incident today.

We weren't close. In fact, I don't recall talking to him at all.

His name is Faruk.

And he's just 21.

I guess when your life has come to an end, that's it.

That's all that you have.

I was telling Ed that i think i won't live long. I just have this feeling that I won't.

And I wonder too. How many more deaths will I witness around me in my life?

I spared a moment of thought. And I realised it seems a lot. And I couldn't bear to think.

When I crossed over to the other world, I hope to die with a smile. I guess thick makeup is a must. And if so, I hope it'll be stage makeup, coz my life is dedicated to the stage. I want to be dressed in sky blue and I would like my coffin to be classic black. I would like all the notes and letters that everyone wrote to me to be inside my coffin with me. I wish that my funeral could be held in some room so that my passing away will not affect those who shouldn't be affected.

And I don't want any chants or prayers or wadsoeva... Although that might mean that I won't be sent to the same place as my dad. I just don't want ppl to bear with the unbearable chants/prayers that I personally hate. I would like my favourite K songs and music to be played at my funeral instead. I want ppl to rem both my good and my bad... and not just my good points, like traditional chinese ppl always do, mentioning the good of the dead and not the bad. I want to be remembered as a human. I'm never sane.

I would like all those whom I've touched them in their lives to write notes for me and burn them to me so that I could read in the other world.

I want to be fed to the fire on the 3rd day of funeral, for i always like the number 3. And I don't want my shell to be around for too long.

It's just a shell. Nothing more than a shell.

Please, anyone who reads this blog. I dunno who you are, but please. If one day I were to die, please, contact whoever that's left in my family and tell them abt my ideal funeral.

It's my final wish on this sad, sad world.

i looked at dad's passport, which has yet to expire.

i stroked my dad's photo.

almost instantaneously, i felt a deep hole in my heart.

it'll never be gone.

i wonder sometimes.

how many deaths can i take?

i realised i need to take a lot of deaths.

is it better to die early?

坐在床头的一角

我忽然好想你再一次拥抱我。

再一次，又感到心裂开了

i can't believe that i'm jealous of anime characters (PSI 3rd level)

complete happy family. with a kitten.

simple as that. and i am jealous of them.

that was my past.

and i'm jealous of my past.

when i was with my friend waiting for her dad, i thought it felt strangely familiar.
when i saw my friend calling her dad, i thought it looked strangely familiar.
when i saw my friend slid into her dad's car, i thought it looked strangely familiar.
when i heard the old canto songs yesterday at JP, i thought it sounded strangely familiar.
when i heard the last song you heard, i knew it was familiar.
far too familiar.
it's the sound of melancholy. and death.

it's not the first time tearing on the bus amongst the crowd. silently.
emotion admist emotions.

i don't know where i'm heading. but once it stops, i know i'll see you.

Sometimes, i can't believe that i've lost you.

When i don't explore that emptiness, life seems normal.

When i question that emptiness, life crumbles.

Returning home every week is like returning to the negative side of me.

I'm torn apart.

i yearn for home. but i dread home.

Shredded.

Every week without fail, you welcome me home in your drunken stupor.

And i am embarrassed by you.

To the extent that i can't bear the sight of you.

I wonder

Would you be happier if you die?

I just want you to be happier.

But you are just making yourself miserable.

You're so capable of it that you've been doing it for your whole 56 years of life.

You always ask questions which cannot be answered.

What do you expect me to say? I've no idea.

All i can do is to keep quiet.

Who is the selfish one? Honestly?

You kept saying nobody understands your pain.

You kept saying that you're the most ill-fated woman in the world.

You kept saying that you want to die.

You kept saying that you will never be happy again.

You kept saying that we have our own lives and that you have none.

But only you

is capable of controlling all of the above.

Nobody can help you, mum. You have to help yourself. Step out of dad's shadow. Hold hands with him. Tightly. But own your shadow. For no one can live in other people's shadow.

昨天
在舞台上的我
灿烂辉煌

今天
在人生舞台上的我
依旧得面对现实

你真的还在吗？
可能在有生之年再见到你吗？

如果
泪水不会蒸发
那么
我的枕头
将是一个水枕

All Good Things (Come To An End) lyrics

Honestly, what will become of me?
I don't like reality
It's way too clear to me

But really life is dandy
We are what we don't see
We miss everything daydreaming

Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end?

Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end?

Come to an end, come to an
Why do all good things come to an end?
Come to an end, come to an
Why do all good things come to an end?

Traveling I always stop at exits
Wondering if I'll stay
Young and restless
Living this way I stress less

I want to pull away when the dream dies
The pain sets it and I don't cry
I only feel gravity and I wonder why

Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end?

Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end?

Come to an end, come to an
Why do all good things come to an end?
Come to an end, come to an
Why do all good things come to an end?

Dogs were whistling a new tune
Barking at the new moon
Hoping it would come soon
So that they could die

Dogs were whistling a new tune
Barking at the new moon
Hoping it would come soon
So that they could die

Die, die, die

Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end?

Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end?

Come to an end, come to an end
Why do all good things come to an end?
Come to an end, come to an end
Why do all good things come to an end?

Well the dogs were barking at the new moon
Whistling a new tune
Hoping it will come soon

And the sun was wondering if it should
Stay away for a day 'til the feeling went away
And the sky was falling
And the clouds were dropping
And the rain forgot how to bring salvation

The dogs were tune barking at the new moon
Whistling a new tune
Hoping it would come soon
So that they could die

i saw oh oh's back view today.

for a second or two

i thought i saw dad.

and for a moment, i thought i was going to cry.

but reality sets in.

i was telling ning today that im very glad that i didn't take any overseas scholarship or applied for any.

coz then. i thought that my parents did not have much time left.

and it came true.

all good things come to an end.

oh oh told me that mum was in her god-damn-it drunken mode again and asked me to take a stroll before i come back.

so i went.

it was raining rather heavily. but i decided to take a stroll at the park near our house. i walked very slowly, savouring every single beat and word of 'all good things come to an end' by nelly furtado.

it suits the mood so perfectly.

it suits my life so perfectly.

like a missing jigsaw piece.

but i've so many pieces missing that i don't know when i'll become a whole again.

i stopped. looked at the lamp in the park. stared. and i knew that my mind went blank. i don't know what to think anymore.

i walked myself to the carpark behind our house. stopped. wandered around the carpark. to realise that there were many empty parking lots. to realise that dad's car is missing.

i stood in the rain for 10 min. with my umbrella. listened to the rain. stared at the surroundings. and thought of nothing.

i went up. mum was crying. oh oh was consoling her.

i'm wondering. whether all bad things will come to an end. or is it only good things that come to an end.

i stared at the mirror for about 10 min. and i saw tears filling up the wells of my eyes. and rolling down my cheeks and neck.

even though there's nothing on my mind.

perhaps it's e emptiness that will never be filled.

for only good things will come to an end. bad things won't.

when mummy said that she's turning 57 come 2nd March, i dunno why but i felt like crying.

今朝から雨が降っています。

風邪を引きますから、大学校を休みました。

ちょっと前にさむかたです、でも今暖かいです。

今日は二回薬を飲みました。まずかたですよ。

今日は勉強したかたです、も安かたです。

でも、何もしませんでした。

今コンピュウターでガムを遊んでいます。

でも、楽しくないです。

つまらないですね。。。

インインさん、勉強してくださいませんか。

how i wish that u could be here to make ge geng tang for me...

i dreamt that.

dad has one month more.

and we all know that he will die after one month.

would that be better? if he happened to know that he has one month to live?

i really don't know.

i woke up.

and i pondered.

if we had known that he had one month left, we could throw away everything and accompany him 24/7. we could have used all our money to bring him on overseas trips. we could have eaten anything that he wants. we could have seen almost everything he wants to see.

at least, we could fulfill his final wishes... right?

but then again, would dad be happy if he had known that he had only a month's time?

perhaps not.

but i secretly wished that he had... then i could have told him everything i wanted to... and do everything i wanted to...

just for that last time. although i treated everything as the last.

i really did. trust me.