when i was filling in my indemnity form for the emergency contact portion

i almost wrote your number in.

94511527.

even though you're gone, you're with me.

i know.

overdosage of pungent perfumed mist

can't musk the putrid stench of your alcoholic breath.

im not against drinking.

not against getting drunk.

but honestly

wad's e point of being drunk when u only recall sad memories?

the purpose of getting drunk is to be happy, isn't it?

really.

wadeva.

drunk in your sorrows, for all you wish.

tells daughter that dad leaves because he doesn't want to see his daughter grow up.

threatens to jump off from 10th floor.

dips head into fish tank.

screams.

bangs into walls and floors.

dips head into detergent water for mopping floor.

tells son and daughter that they are her biggest mistake in life.

hopeless pathetic fucking drunkard.

so not worth it to lose all appetite and all happiness for you.

but i couldn't help it.

what the fuck.

a lot went through my mind.

but now i dunno how to materialize them into words.

i'm genuinely not angry. Disappointed? Yes. Sad? Yes.

i called. you answered and said to call back later. i called back later. you didn't pick up. i msg you twice to ask you when is the best time to call. then i suggested you calling me back instead since you're so busy. and you didn't. until i said that i'm gonna ignore you for 2 weeks. then you sms 2 words.

call me.

petty? perhaps. but can you really blame me for being petty?

you know, the best thing abt blogging is that, i can do it anytime as long as i've a comp/iphone. i dun have to implore for your attention.

i treat you as my best friend. you know it. i told you so much abt me. i trusted you. a lot.

and i hope that the usage of past tense didn't come to my fingertips so naturally.

when you are sad, i always try my best to be there. even when my friend is ard, i'll try to keep my phone by my side. coz i know that you are sad. and i want to be there.

i'm not saying that you are obliged to do the same. coz i want to be there for you. it's my choice. but i guess i expect some form of reciprocal as well. i'm not as magnanimous as i thought i could be. it just can't be a one-way communication/give-in.

and now, i'm lost for words. it's painful. but it won't kill.

i'll heal. alone. as always.