fading memories captured in a fading photograph.

tell me what forever means.

the word itself has no meaning.

it shouldn't even exist.

i hate my stupid face when i see ppl dance.

走了嗎

後來聽說你嫁給了習慣　即使你並不是真的那麼喜歡
我很心疼你委屈自己　成全所有親朋好友的眼光和期盼
知道你打從心裡不願意　為了保護自己　所以拼命攻擊
當時的善良如今演不下去　我才明白這是一齣沒有酬勞的戲

走了嗎　你想走我不能留
走了嗎　走了就不要回頭
我只是不情願　我只是不願承認

走了嗎　你想走我不能留
走了嗎　走了就不要回頭
我只是不習慣　我只是不能承擔

還記得我們最後的絕裂　憎恨著彼此　卻有捨不得的眼淚
我走也不是　留也不行
直到今天還是不懂　當初為何要分開　走了嗎

in her drunken stupor, she told us that the huge bonsai of yellow roses by the window side fell down from 10th storey of our house.

she attributed the cause to the strong winds.

i couldn't help but think that she's the cause of it.

honestly.

what the fuck.

if she really threw that down from our window, she's just unforgivable.

no matter how deeply you have drown yourself in self-pity, you have no rights to implicate others. you have no rights to put anyone else in danger.

what the fuck, seriously.

i really wish that i'm wrong and that i owe you an apology for thinking you in that way.

i really wish so.

but right now, i can't be sure.

you said that the whole world is selfish. but do you have any idea that you're the worst? you break your son's and daughter's hearts like nobody's business every single time you get drunk.

shut up already. shut up.

i think i know where this is leading me to.

i think i should stop it.

guess it'll stop raining soon...

i am nothing.

http://stooffi.wordpress.com/2010/09/19/poignant/

after viewing her post, i broke down helplessly.

i've not cried so much since dad left.

i felt so hopelessly helpless that i called.

and every time after i called that unfortunate guy/gal just to cry to him/her, i have to apologise for crying to that person.

thanks princess, for picking up my phone and listen to me wail for 2 mins plus...

i'm really scared. and i really need to dance.

it sucks completely that i can only watch ppl dance and not do it on my own.

this experience taught me smtg abt myself...

that i truly need dance.

i feel insignificant and minute without it.

but i want to feel surreal.

bigger than life.

and till now, only dance can give me that.

i really wish i could dance soon...

i miss you and i need you

but now, i'm doubting that you feel the same

at all

i'll never forget that. 2nd sept 2010, the first time i sustained an injury from dance. ligament tear on my left knee area.

and it was 2 weeks away from concert. according to sensei, ligament tear takes a 100 days to fully recover.

fuck.

just when i think that things can't be worse, i slipped on friday and injured the same part again.

1 week of home confinement and crutches and feeling useless all gone to the drain coz of that.

i cried coz it was so painful... and i just need someone to hug me and tell me that it's alright. thank god brother was there. if mum was there i doubt she can give me that. she'll probably just scold/blame me for being stupidly careless again.

when brother helped me with massaging, i was strongly reminded of dad, how he used to help me with my various injuries coz of my carelessness.

mother just happened to herself again.

same thing. she and excessive alcohol combined never fails to make her the saddest woman on Earth.

once again, i wished that she can get her wish and die earlier.

there she goes. blabbering the old news.

her biggest mistake in life is to bring me and my brother to life.

blah blah blah. blah blah blah.

dad, thank goodness you're not here to hear this. i'm sure you'll be pained.

but i dun feel anything anymore. this has happened far too many times.

but i was reminded again how i'm unable to dance in my last school concert. how i can't cry with others and make my make-up run on stage.

but things happen for a reason. and although we dunno the reason, perhaps it's destined that we dun. coz once we know the reason, we might have wished that we never knew. like how Ted in HIMYM is.

my greatest fear is that if i risk it this time, something worse will happen and i'll never be able to dance anymore.