i chanced upon my shutterfly account when i was looking through my archives.

i haven't touched it for 2 years ever since fb came in as the 3rd party.

only 2 years.

but i felt that i've evolved so much.

this happy girl who used to be me now seems like a stranger to me.

i loathed the way she wrote her blog entries.

i laughed at her fashion sense.

i smirked at how she included every single detail in her entries.

i mocked her innocence and trust in her future self to remember these things.

yet at the same time, i am jealous.

i've lost much memories about her.

most of it.

not the night.

my loved one didn't get into her desired internship company. and didn't get into her second one as well.

life.

my sister's keeper was a great show.

it makes me wonder

perhaps dad left earlier coz he's afraid that if he didn't, he will turn into a vegetable or something else that will add onto our burden. if that happened, perhaps his daughter might not be able to dance as much as now. if that happened, perhaps his son might not be able to watch as much dvd as now. if that happened, perhaps mum will not be so actively helping out the cats. if that happened, perhaps we will never have chichi.

perhaps that's why, he left after 2 days in coma.

strangely, i feel that i understand how much Kate wants to die. if i were in her condition and i've the ability, i will end of my life immediately. not that i don't treasure my life, but that i believe by staying alive, i will bring much more pain to my family and friends as they have to put up with witnessing my suffering.

and i never liked to trouble others when i'm emo. only a few got the taste of it. and i'm always apologetic after that.

being me, strong front or not, i will definitely love to have my last dignity.

travelling back hall, i felt pain in the head and when i got back to my room, after repeated exposures to 失落沙洲, the pain transcends to the heart.

it's just that.

pain

darling i know how hard it is for you but pls know that we are all here for you.

yes, we. all of us.

love you very very very much.

wish to have you in my arms now.

i just came back from my friend's mini concert at NYGH audi.

her entire family came to support her.

we helped them with a family photo.

then, her father took out his phone to take a photo of her beautiful daughter in stage costume.

if i were to have any lesser control, i would have broken down already.

i was brought back to the times when you were still around to take photos of your daughter in glamorous costumes and exaggerated stage makeup, and when you never fail to tell her how much she shone on stage and how gorgeous she was, even if she did blunders during performances. i was brought back to the times when you and mum will wait in silence outside the theater while their daughter entertain her friends after concert, and welcome me with simple family warmth. all that i need.

i was so jealous.

so. very. much. jealous.

the jealousy came in the form of tears which i managed to suppress albeit much effort involved.

imagine the consequences if i didn't. everyone will be stunned, at a loss of what to do, and i would have spoilt everyone else's day.

and i would never want to hurt my girl.

so many times i've heard, to be yourself, pursue what you want, just go for it.

but so many times i did not do it.

perhaps i was really too practical.

but i'm an irony in existence.

i went home and mum told me that kao got some kidney problem, but she said it was nothing too serious.

but i'm scared.

I questioned myself.

What happened? And I found no answer.

I don't know what happened to me anymore.

I don't understand what I'm thinking.

And I have the slightest idea about what I want.

I hate to be submissive.

Or perhaps I'm afraid to be.

I never dare to take the gamble.

And I never dare to take the step.

But you'll be fine.

And I sincerely wish you all the best. =)

每一次的欢声笑语后
我都会不禁地想
这是不是只是我一厢情愿的希望

希望自己真的开心
希望自己真的能给周围的人带来快乐

生日快乐
对不起，伤害了你
但时光已逝
我惟有尝试弥补
做一个更好的朋友