it's like wad Biscuit said.

his presence still lingers.

it's like he's watching over you. it's like he's not completely gone.

那天去看你，忍不住落泪了。
让我觉得心赤赤痛的，不止是你不在的原因。
而是觉得，骨灰碑上那个微笑着的男子，让我感觉有些陌生。
万万没想到，在你一生人当中，与你最贴身的主要配角竟然可以变成熟悉的陌生人。

还记得你说过这首歌很好听。
很好听。

我人生的乐曲，即使没有你的伴奏，也会继续下去。
是寂寞了，
但我仍听得到那绕梁余音。

Just as I thought the wound has began to close up and heal, it was ripped and scattered with salt all over again.

Mum was at it again yesterday. And all I can do is feeling helpless.

I'm the most useless one in the family. All I could do is to continue to live life. I couldn't help to heal Mum at all. I couldn't help with the admin nonsense that is driving my brother nuts.

I couldn't help with anything.

I cried a lot and all I could think of was, how great will it be if Dad is here. He could hug me and kiss me and stop all this horrible uproar that is ongoing in our family now.

And the next moment, I know that it's a dream impossible. And the tears keep coming.

Is it lucky to have loved and lost it? Or is it lucky if you've never loved and you'll never bother if you lose it or not?

All we could say in our life is a whole load of 'if only'.

But we all know that it's impossible.

It only drives people crazy.

The pain is searing. It's so painful to love and lost. Perhaps one should not have loved at all.

Mum said that she will ensure that nothing will happened to her till I graduate.

So should I graduate or should I not?

Please don't tell me that you understand unless you've been through it all.

You will never ever understand.

We used to be happy. Occasionally Mum will start it and we will hit the bottom but soon it will all be the same again.

We used to be really happy.

If there were God/s, what the fuck are they doing? Posing a challenge for us?

Why take away our happiness?

All along, we learn how to cherish. We learn how to remember.


Why doesn't this happen on families who do not cherish each other so that it serves as a reminder for them to cherish?


Too many whys

Eaten away by tears and sorrows.

那天
在巴士上
抬头看看蓝天
不知你是否在看着我们

今天做了一个梦
梦中一切都是假的
你还没走
还没走。。。

梦中梦。

一切。。。好像很远，但其实很近。
时间的力量真是浩大。
伤痕，无论多深，有朝一日一定会淡化。
让时间抚平你心中的波动
让时间治疗你行中的伤痕
让时间继续控制着一切，继续走下去。
因为生命还得继续，还得与时间一起流逝。

总有一天，我们还是会见面的。
希望你等等。。。

爸爸，喜欢我们买的花吗?

all of a sudden, i remembered what my friend used to console me the other day.

she said something like
"i'm sure you don't wish that it happened on other people instead of your father."

i can tell you this. i do wish that it happened on some bad guys instead of my father and that i was quite annoyed and irritated with what she said *did you actually think through it and put yourself in my shoes?

yes. i am selfish. say all you want. but ask yourself, if you were me, would you really think of it that way?

if you really think of it that way, i will say woah you're Buddha, you're God, you're Jesus. You'd rather lose your father than somebody else loses his/hers.

but i'm sure your family, including your father, will hate you for taking him away.

unless your family are all Godly figures.

human beings are born selfish. never selfless. and don't you dare tell me you're selfless as i'll never believe that. and by actually doing the above mentioned thing, you're being unfilial. very unfilial.

all in all, it's just a very silly thing to say. and it just agitates me more instead of calming me down.

i know i sound like the most selfish being on earth here. but sometimes i do use this to console myself. i'm glad that i'm 20 and that it didn't happen on someone who's merely 10 (plus minus).

sounds contradictory eh?

sometimes i just use blogging to sort out my thoughts and reason myself (or others) out using my own way of thinking. and after that, i'll feel much better.

perhaps she was trying to tell me this. just that she caught me in the wrong mood and wrong time. as well as using the wrong words.
i wonder if i'm lucky or unlucky. i really do.

爸爸，
昨天晚上，我用门口的蜡烛寄了封信给你。
收到了吗?
爸爸，你不用怕你的出现会吓着我。绝对不会的。
所以，不用怕，好吗? 知道吗?

爸爸，
今天睡午觉时，睡着睡着，突然醒来。
听到妈妈偷偷地抽泣。
心顿时又痛了。
我们点了蜡烛，放在门外。
看到了吗?
回来好吗?
看着你以前穿的衣服裤子，看着满橱的袜子。
他们永远地被舍弃了。
同病相怜。

爸爸，

你知道吗？
今天，天一样的蓝。云一样的飘。
家里，一样的平静。
望着门，这个时间你还没回家的。
仍无法控制自己。
仍希望会听到你的脚步声，掏钥匙的声音。
叫我的声音。
拥抱的温暖。叫你的声音。

打破自己的奢望。
一切已结束。
这莫名的感觉，这股失望，
很奇怪。无法形容。

真的。
最后一次是几时？

爸爸，
一想到在这么多人当中，
再也见不到你，听不到你，碰不到你，闻不到你，
还是觉得不可思议。
总是告诉自己，
转角，你的车就在那里。
你的背影就在那里。
你的笑就在那里。

人，就是喜欢奢望不可能的事。

爸爸，

今天妈妈的话很多很多。
我不怪她。因为我想， 她可能一停下来就会想起你已不在。
其实。。。不知为什么，我觉得你并没有完全离开。
我还是会感觉随时会遇见你。
可是，这是不可能的。
我知道。我明白。

伤口，仍然赤痛。

sugar coated peanuts.

the snack that only my dad and i enjoy feasting on.

and now, it's just me.

today i wonder, why dad and not mum?

is it unfilial for me to wonder that?

listen out.

my mum is amazing. she can keep on and on throwing temper and tantrums about the same stuff which should long be left behind with ashes and dust of the past. i have no idea how she manages to do it. and i have no idea why she wants to do that. it does not make anyone feel better, including herself.

it just hurts. it just kills. it just makes everyone feels pissed and tired.

as if we do not have enough on our minds already.

i haven't uttered a word the whole day. i felt that once i open my mouth, the wrong words fall.

it started since ytd till now. the 8 hours of sleep seems insufficient.

i would wonder, if mum was the one, at least there are reasons for us and her to be happy. at least she will not be unhappy anymore. at least she could drop her loathe and hatred.

at least we would not be tortured anymore.

like an ancient recorder, she repeats and repeats the history over and over again and again. like an endless merry-go-round, trapped, unable to leave it.

till now, when dad is gone, she still does it. and i really want to question her.

why? does it matter now? does history matters? does your hatred matters? can you reverse time? can you return back to the start.

no

no

no

you obviously can't. you know it, and yet you stubbornly refuse to let it go with the winds.

nobody traps you except for yourself. and you alone refuse to let yourself off. it's your business. you refuse to settle it and what do you want us to do? we can't do anything but feel your stabs in the hearts once, twice, thrice, endless.

the pain is worse than being murdered. do you know that?

there are so many many wounds and scars that time is unable to heal them all completely.

drained... drained...

lots of tears are shed today.

lots.

hearts are bleeding, broken into pieces, shivering with fear and yet shimmering with hope.

irony of life.

what is life?

the end of it, is death.

the pain, is far worse than being stabbed.

that is, for sure.

truth, is painful.

excruciating pain.

爸爸，这是我第五百个entry。

有段时候在想，几时才会到第五百个entry，究竟我会写些什么。不过我肯定没有想到，会是这样的entry。

昨晚，看见妈妈一个人在床上睡觉，我忍不住留泪了。

好孤独，好冷清。

前天半夜， 她睡着睡着，便哭了起来。

这几天的电视报纸不知怎么的，全都是健康生活，心脏病的知识和情节。

电视剧中那对七八十岁仍手牵手在公园散步的老伴，你和妈妈原本也能做到。

是上天的嘲笑吗？

爸爸，你好像很突然地失踪了。 这世界仍旧一样，天空一样的蓝，白云一样的飘，夜一样的黑，好像对你的失踪浑然不觉。

今天搭巴士， 突然想起，在这世界上已无法再见到一个熟悉温馨的你。

真的很像人间蒸发一样。

明天是第七天。你离去将近一个礼拜了。

回来，好吗？

爸爸，

原来人死了，剩下的灰烬不过如此。

尘归尘，土归土。

妈妈说，改天她来找你了，要我们把你们的骨灰撒向大海晴空。

今天，我们到你的办公室整理。

很久没来了，每一次都是你带我们来的。 没想到现在，你是唯一的缺客。你的办公室真乱，可以和哥哥比美。几百年前的东西你都没丢。我也是这样。遗传吧。

以前用的KFC杯子仍旧静静地站在凌乱的桌子上。里面的水大概是你最后一次喝过的吧。我偷偷地喝了一口，像小时候那样。最后一次了。
那瓶酒， 酒精好重。 你一向来都不是很会喝啊。可见工作压力真的很大。不过，你现在可以休息了。
我似乎能看见你还在办公室里，忙着晒板，或忙里偷闲，坐在椅子上，听歌喝酒，或和妈妈在电话中谈天。

后天是第七天了。 你会回来吗？我是抱着希望地等待。。。

曲终了，人散了，心还是会痛。

其他的人会明白吗？对他们来说，是少了一个朋友，一个老板， 一个亲戚。 对我们来说，是少了一个老伴，一个爸爸。

曲终人散。台上剩下的，仅有妈妈，哥哥和我。

心依旧抽痛着。

爸爸，今天我们把你的躯壳送走了。 之前，妈妈还叫我不要哭，不然你会舍不得离开。
我真的尽力了。但还是忍不住哭了。
我真的很舍不得你。
你走之后，我觉得自己的背影很空虚，很寂寞， 很孤独，很冷清。
真的很冷。
这几天每次睡觉之前，我都很希望醒来后，有人告诉我这几天发生的一切不过是场梦，是一场闹剧。
但没有人那么做。
我也没有那么天真。
告诉你，其实以往你或妈妈小睡时，我都会站在一旁，大概十秒左右，确保你们在呼吸。
我很害怕失去你们。
每一次说的再见，我都有把它当作最后一次的再见，因为人生无常。
但我不愿意接受真正的再见。
现在，我不得不接受。
我知道我的身旁有很多爱我的人，但无论如何，你的爱， 与他们是不一样的。
今天，叔叔告诉我， 你很疼我的。
难道你以为我不知道吗？
妈妈告诉我往事时，我确实想过是否会对你改观。但我已长大了， 不会因为这样而对你的感觉有任何变化。
我还是爱你。
你总是批评我的音乐，而我也会反驳批评你的音乐。我们谁也不肯让步， 好像小孩子吵架那样。
最后一次和你吵，应该是你在地铁站接我那时，为了对接应地点的不同认识吵。
你一下子就让步了，摸着我的头无可奈何地说：“你啊..."
你对我就是那么心软。不过以后就没人会这样了。
你是不是想要我长大？
直接告诉我就够了，为什么要走？
昨天和妈妈坐电梯，看到一只死蟑螂在里面， 我还是一样怕。
通常妈妈一定会不耐烦地说：“干吗那么怕，不要这样。”
但这次，她抱着我说：“已经死了， 别怕，妈妈在。”
她在模仿你。
我很想哭，但我忍着不哭。因为我哭，妈妈就会哭。
在葬礼上，蟑螂出现了。 哥哥说，我不能再怕了。
因为你不能帮我捉了。
这几天， 我的泪水是不尽的。
那天，下了一场豪雨，我在想，是你在哭泣吗？
我唯一一次看到你哭，就是在17岁那时侯，在华中附近的交通灯。
我永远不会忘记。那感觉，是惊吓， 是心疼。
但这几天心更痛，因为我一部分的心，已随你而去，在滴血。
这伤口， 太深，太残酷。

我在听着你的音乐。

以后，再也没有人会在电梯里给我拥抱。
以后，再也没有人推我上楼梯。
以后，再也没有人驾着蓝色的8111来载我了。
以后，再也没有人会让步给我了。
以后，再也没有人能那么毫无保留的爱我了。

你那温暖的拥抱，那充满保护性的双手，那刺刺的亲吻。。。
能否让我享受最后一次?

爸爸，你在哪里？看到了吗？知道了吗？