ytd at base camp we were told to write a letter to our dads.

and i cried and cried and cried as i was writing it.

after that, we were told to voice our afterthoughts.

i could only say.

this is not my first time writing, and definitely not my last.

even though i know that u'll never get to see it again.

i dreamt that these 2 people from MJ dun like me and i confronted them.

and the reason being that they thought i've too much energy and am too cheerful.

so i told them about what happened to me last year.

and i cried in my dreams.

woke up.

and i forgot about my dreams until i sat on the bed and it all came back to me.

the colours of reality infringed my dreams...

i hugged mummy to sleep ytd

and i felt so glad to feel her breathe.

it's going into the month of june.

i'm scared.

there she goes again.

i've seen it coming.

and today, she told me

in her miserable drunken stupor

that her biggest mistake in life is to have brought me and my brother to this world

which she deemed unfair and not suitable for human life.

how can someone thrive on hate and sorrow?

well, she can.

as dad said, she breathes sorrow, drink frustration, gobbles melancholy.

why?

that's something dad never understood.

so do i.

she kept telling me that nothing will happen to her until i graduate.

so what? does that mean that she's going to end her life when i DO graduate?

what should i do? retain forever?

i do not understand why she likes to bring sadness to people whom she loved most.

or perhaps, she just hates me.

because i'm her mistake in life.

Bathroom
To dream that you are in the bathroom, relates to your instinctual urges. You may be experiencing some burdens/feelings and need to "relieve yourself". Alternatively, it may symbolize purification and self-renewal. You need to cleanse yourself, both emotionally and psychologically.

perhaps. perhaps.

before mother's day arrived, i already know what will happen.

these are the key words- drunk, alcohol, sobbing, dad, death, why, clueless, life, fate

every 2 to 3 days, she'll get herself drunk and will kept talking consistently on the same topic repeating the same things.

and i will just try my best to contain myself.

it's irritating. and painful. like millions of needles piercing through one's heart.

after that, she'll hide in the bathroom or on bed and whine and cry and sob her heart out.

sometimes i wonder. how on earth did i turn out to be what people perceived as normal?

i do not know.

sometimes, i just want to be alone and away.

My Ideal Funeral

One of my p school classmates died of motorcar incident today.

We weren't close. In fact, I don't recall talking to him at all.

His name is Faruk.

And he's just 21.

I guess when your life has come to an end, that's it.

That's all that you have.

I was telling Ed that i think i won't live long. I just have this feeling that I won't.

And I wonder too. How many more deaths will I witness around me in my life?

I spared a moment of thought. And I realised it seems a lot. And I couldn't bear to think.

When I crossed over to the other world, I hope to die with a smile. I guess thick makeup is a must. And if so, I hope it'll be stage makeup, coz my life is dedicated to the stage. I want to be dressed in sky blue and I would like my coffin to be classic black. I would like all the notes and letters that everyone wrote to me to be inside my coffin with me. I wish that my funeral could be held in some room so that my passing away will not affect those who shouldn't be affected.

And I don't want any chants or prayers or wadsoeva... Although that might mean that I won't be sent to the same place as my dad. I just don't want ppl to bear with the unbearable chants/prayers that I personally hate. I would like my favourite K songs and music to be played at my funeral instead. I want ppl to rem both my good and my bad... and not just my good points, like traditional chinese ppl always do, mentioning the good of the dead and not the bad. I want to be remembered as a human. I'm never sane.

I would like all those whom I've touched them in their lives to write notes for me and burn them to me so that I could read in the other world.

I want to be fed to the fire on the 3rd day of funeral, for i always like the number 3. And I don't want my shell to be around for too long.

It's just a shell. Nothing more than a shell.

Please, anyone who reads this blog. I dunno who you are, but please. If one day I were to die, please, contact whoever that's left in my family and tell them abt my ideal funeral.

It's my final wish on this sad, sad world.