i hate you.

i hate you when you chose to get drunk when i had my friends (11 of my jc classmates) over at the house.

i hate you when you mentioned dad and ruined the atmosphere.

i hate you when you pretend that you're not drunk.

but most of all, i hate myself for not being able to do anything about it all.

my spirits were totally dampened beyond dampened when i brought home my friends and saw you in this state.

perhaps i'm too selfish. but i just wanna bring some xmas atmosphere to u.

but i guess seeing others happy just make you feel sad.

even if you hate admitting it. but you are. selfish. like any other human beings.

or like what you love to say. like dad.

do you know how much i felt like crying?

do you know how much i had to control?

do you know what it feels like in my place?

you don't. and i'm not going to tell you. because you will never know.

just like i will never know why you have to drown yourself in alcohol and misery combined.

as i'm typing this, i can still feel it.

i wish that by blogging, i could deposit them here. even if it's just temporary.

i'm tired, mum.

i'm tired.