i saw oh oh's back view today.

for a second or two

i thought i saw dad.

and for a moment, i thought i was going to cry.

but reality sets in.

i was telling ning today that im very glad that i didn't take any overseas scholarship or applied for any.

coz then. i thought that my parents did not have much time left.

and it came true.

all good things come to an end.

oh oh told me that mum was in her god-damn-it drunken mode again and asked me to take a stroll before i come back.

so i went.

it was raining rather heavily. but i decided to take a stroll at the park near our house. i walked very slowly, savouring every single beat and word of 'all good things come to an end' by nelly furtado.

it suits the mood so perfectly.

it suits my life so perfectly.

like a missing jigsaw piece.

but i've so many pieces missing that i don't know when i'll become a whole again.

i stopped. looked at the lamp in the park. stared. and i knew that my mind went blank. i don't know what to think anymore.

i walked myself to the carpark behind our house. stopped. wandered around the carpark. to realise that there were many empty parking lots. to realise that dad's car is missing.

i stood in the rain for 10 min. with my umbrella. listened to the rain. stared at the surroundings. and thought of nothing.

i went up. mum was crying. oh oh was consoling her.

i'm wondering. whether all bad things will come to an end. or is it only good things that come to an end.

i stared at the mirror for about 10 min. and i saw tears filling up the wells of my eyes. and rolling down my cheeks and neck.

even though there's nothing on my mind.

perhaps it's e emptiness that will never be filled.

for only good things will come to an end. bad things won't.

when mummy said that she's turning 57 come 2nd March, i dunno why but i felt like crying.

今朝から雨が降っています。

風邪を引きますから、大学校を休みました。

ちょっと前にさむかたです、でも今暖かいです。

今日は二回薬を飲みました。まずかたですよ。

今日は勉強したかたです、も安かたです。

でも、何もしませんでした。

今コンピュウターでガムを遊んでいます。

でも、楽しくないです。

つまらないですね。。。

インインさん、勉強してくださいませんか。

how i wish that u could be here to make ge geng tang for me...

i dreamt that.

dad has one month more.

and we all know that he will die after one month.

would that be better? if he happened to know that he has one month to live?

i really don't know.

i woke up.

and i pondered.

if we had known that he had one month left, we could throw away everything and accompany him 24/7. we could have used all our money to bring him on overseas trips. we could have eaten anything that he wants. we could have seen almost everything he wants to see.

at least, we could fulfill his final wishes... right?

but then again, would dad be happy if he had known that he had only a month's time?

perhaps not.

but i secretly wished that he had... then i could have told him everything i wanted to... and do everything i wanted to...

just for that last time. although i treated everything as the last.

i really did. trust me.

sun early morning when i was still asleep, i dreamt.

i dreamt that we took a taxi and the taxi driver had an uncanny resemblance to dad.

we (kao, mum and i) had lunch together and i was sitting opposite kao and i saw him tear silently.

and the next thing i know, i woke up.

this weekend has not been good at all. apart from the birthday party which was the only thing that was right.

but apart from that, nothing.

nothing.

nothing.

yesterday i had a 21st birthday party with brother at mindscafe purvis street.

that was my first ever birthday party.

that was my first ever birthday without dad as well.

when brother told me that we're gonna make a speech, i was bit reluctant really. not that i'm shy (like since when), but that i know what will happen.

and it did. i started my speech crying.

honestly, i felt so paiseh. i nv cried in front of so many ppl before.

i told my friends. all those whom i've invited, all my close friends, that i'm so thankful for their presence. that they've been through all these turmoil with me and see me through ups and downs. that without them, i'm sure that i won't be able to live to see myself holding a birthday party with brother. i find comfort in these wonderful people, enough for me to not shed tears every single day.

although dad is unable to see me turn 21, unable to see my growth, unable to eat my birthday cake, unable to wish me happy birthday, deep down, i know that he wished he could do so. Not just my 21st, but my 22nd, 23rd, 24th and so on. deep down, i know that he wished he could be there to witness every part of my life. and i know that he'll give up everything and anything to do so.

just that god wants to take him away. and he has no choice but to leave.

yesterday's party was really a grand event and i truly enjoyed myself, playing games from table to table.

honestly my friends, thank you. thank you. thank you.

if i could say a trillion thanks, that will be for you, my friends.

天下无不散之筵席，大概就是如此。

we're supposed to do this interviewer-interviewee assignment and ying gal was paired with ying boy. so we rehearsed today.

ying gal's topic is dance. and ying boy is supposed to interview ying gal.
ying gal thought that since dance is her bf, she should have a lot to say.
but no, she's wrong.
yes, like what ying boy said, being tired is one factor, but there's another.

i thought about it. pondered through and through.
and i realised.
when did the burning passion for dance reignite?
it's when dad left.
dance takes my mind off things.
made me tired. kept me busy.
that's why i dance.

i felt very sad about this realisation.
really.
i felt that i'm not doing my bf justice.
and i told ying boy that i wanna change topic.

and i dunno what to talk about.
i felt that i've deleted my memories.
or should i say, stored them somewhere in the subconscious mind
to protect myself.

i think i should stop this.
stop deleting my life.
it's not an incurable virus.

... I will hear you saying 宝贝，生日快乐.