dun tell me that deep in ur minds and hearts, you never blame me at all.

i'm sorry for being stupid. but i've no idea what i can do to rectify.

aiya. failed.

hack it lar.

i hope i'm right to persist and continue striving.

i hate you.

i hate you when you chose to get drunk when i had my friends (11 of my jc classmates) over at the house.

i hate you when you mentioned dad and ruined the atmosphere.

i hate you when you pretend that you're not drunk.

but most of all, i hate myself for not being able to do anything about it all.

my spirits were totally dampened beyond dampened when i brought home my friends and saw you in this state.

perhaps i'm too selfish. but i just wanna bring some xmas atmosphere to u.

but i guess seeing others happy just make you feel sad.

even if you hate admitting it. but you are. selfish. like any other human beings.

or like what you love to say. like dad.

do you know how much i felt like crying?

do you know how much i had to control?

do you know what it feels like in my place?

you don't. and i'm not going to tell you. because you will never know.

just like i will never know why you have to drown yourself in alcohol and misery combined.

as i'm typing this, i can still feel it.

i wish that by blogging, i could deposit them here. even if it's just temporary.

i'm tired, mum.

i'm tired.

i hate you for blaming everything and anything on others and not yourself.

i hate everything about you when you're drunk.

and i pity you.

but all these hatred and pity only pushed the stake deeper= into my heart and intensified the pain.

because ultimately

i still love you.

how unhealthy to have such a post in the morning.

a minute into afternoon.

but i have to.

i was lying on the bed and eavesdropping to your phone conversation to dad's past employee

and cringe when i heard all the blatant lies.

you love going out? since when? why am i not notified?

you want to grab a job? since when? you've been saying that since forever but when have you really mustered the courage to take the first step?

you'll wait for me to get a job first before you go out and grab a job? since sec school, you've been waiting for me. but why me? why must you wait for me? you're not obliged to. i'm 21. i'm an adult already. even before i attain 21 years of age, i've a mind of my own and i believe i'm mature in my very own way.

so why use me as your shield? just because i'm the youngest?

mum, stop lying to yourself. stop ill-treating yourself.

i don't know how to help you. oh oh doesn't know how to help you.

we can't do anything.

be there for you? i've heard that advice a gadzillion times for those rare moments when i confided my close friends.

but it just didn't work.

because she is not satisfied with just us alone.

what she wants

i don't wanna repeat.

i'm tired, too.

to getaway ytd was awesome.

blurring between the lines of fantasy and reality.

are you always like this in the afternoon?

why must you do this to yourself?

to aggravate your pain and ascertain your existence?

does it help?

no i don't think so. i doubt it makes your life better. it only makes your life worse.

but what can i do?

nothing but watch you wallow in self-pity.

we've tried. but nothing works.

all you want is his revival. all you want is to turn back time.

all you want is something impossible.

all we want is for you to pick yourself up and continue with life.

and it seems that all we want is something impossible, too.

you said that human beings are scary, that relationships with human beings only hurt.

so we know.

but why not see without those heavily tinted glasses of yours?

the world would be blur. but it would be easier to live.

what can we do to remove those stuck-on glasses?

nothing. absolutely nothing.

perhaps you'll never be truly happy again.

but we can't do anything, anything at all.

because we're not gods, for goodness sake.

who what where when why how!
=(
confused

joke of the day: paying $45 bucks to fail a paper.

no malaysia trip for me in the end!
woke up too late...
aish =(
it's raining and i'm home alone...
well, at least i've my cats =)