my mum was drunk on Christmas day. when my primary school clique came over for a quiet celebration.

what's new right?

but this time round, it just doesn't hurt that much anymore. perhaps i've already come to accept the undeniable fact that you're gonna remain as such forever.

never felt so restless and unmotivated and sian in my life.

(>.<)

早く早く終わった！

有些时候，人说的话可以很刺耳，

但如果那个人在我心中没有一定的位置，他的话一定不会正中红心。

相反的事实，你明白吗？

也许我的关心不够真诚

也许我的担心太多余

也许我根本不知道应该怎样对你

也许我不知道你现在的心情

偶像至朋友，朋友至好友，好友至密友，其实能拥有这样的一段感情真的是我的幸运。。。

irrational pangs of insecurity

for tomorrow.

:(

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SVuteyyJDtc&feature=player_embedded#!

i'm pretty affected. and intrigued. by this.

well the idea portrayed by the video is nothing new. it's something that has all along being in existence. in real life we've seen the famous photo of the vulture waiting to feed on the dying child. kevin carter, the one who took the photo, committed suicide in the end. some said that it's out of guilt. others said it's out of stress.

it all boils down to the question of ethics.

is it valid to view the photo in question as an art? is it that as long as it's an art piece, the process of creation does not matter? should there be such a practice? what can the helpless photographer do under such dangerous circumstances? is there a definite right or wrong? what exactly is ethical? even if it's ethically alright, how many journalists are able to put on the veil of ignorance and perhaps even mask their human nature to do it?

and i still have my media law questions swirling around in my mind.

(T.T)

feeling strange but i can't really express this strange feeling.

????????????????????????????????????????????????????

heartbreak warfare

i had a hard time deciding where to put this entry coz it's neither negative/positive. but in the end i decided to put this here since it's an emo song. putting it under the positive section just seems too satirical.

anyways, i just love the song. it's real good.

Lightning strikes

Inside, my chest to keep me up at night

Dream of ways

To make you understand my pain

Clouds of sulfur in the air

Bombs are falling everywhere

It's heartbreak warfare

Once you want it to begin,

No one really ever wins

In heartbreak warfare

If you want more love, why don't you say so?

If you want more love, why don't you say so?

Drop his name

Push it in and twist the knife again

Watch my face

As I pretend to feel no pain

Clouds of sulfur in the air

Bombs are falling everywhere

It's heartbreak warfare

Once you want it to begin,

No one really ever wins

In heartbreak warfare.

If you want more love, why don't you say so?

If you want more love, why don't you say so?

Just say so...

How come the only way to know how high you get me is to see how far I fall

God only knows how much I'd love you if you let me but I can't break through at all.

It's a heartbreak...

I don't care if we don't sleep at all tonight

Let's just fix this whole thing now

I swear to God we're gonna get it right

If you lay your weapon down

Red wine and ambien

You're talking shit again, it's heartbreak warfare

Good to know it's all a game

Disappointment has a name, it's heartbreak, heartbreak.

It's heartbreak warfare. It's heartbreak warfare. It's heartbreak warfare.

谢幕了。

老实说，此刻的心情其实还是蛮复杂的。

不过我知道，我会没事的。

真的不后悔。

你是我浪漫的遗憾。

谢谢。

i know that it's unhealthy to be addicted.

especially addiction to emo songs...

the abyss of gravity.

fell.

fall.

fallen.

luck

/lʌk/ Show Spelled[luhk] Show IPA

–noun

the force that seems to operate for good or ill in a person's life, as in shaping circumstances, events, or opportunities

whatever that i wanted to blog ran through my head.

and i kinda appeased myself.

so it doesn't matter anymore.

like a hedgehog

i'm so positive that you're not reading this blog anymore.

guess this is the most serious ever?

well, there's an end to everything.









perhaps this is it.

arrows pointing to the source of my misery.

i really miss dancing so much.

never in my life have i gone so long without dance.

i miss my bf.

i dunno whether it's fair for me to attribute my miseries to this stupid acl tear.

but for now, it just seems so.

seed of evil.

i'm so tired.

i know that this day will come.

i know that one day i'll lose you.

but i didn't know that it'll be so soon.

nevertheless, i'm really glad that our paths crossed.

you're forever special to me.

and i hope that you know,

whenever you need me,

i'll be here for you.

and that's a promise.

i still love you very much as a special friend.

MRI results:

1. high grade tear (near 100%) of the anterior cruciate ligament (ACL) secondary to a pivot shift injury mechanism.

2. partial tear of the proximal lateral collateral ligament.

3. sprain of the medial collateral ligament.

4. transchondral injuries of the lateral femorotibial compartment as well as the posteromedial tibial plateau.

ACL provides 90% of knee joint stability.

basically, only surgery can lead to complete recovery. physio can only help to minimise my chance of dislocation and that's provided that i don't dance intensively.

perhaps i shld go for the surgery... but only 90 to 95% of those who undergo surgery can have full recovery. i don't trust my luck. i can always fall in the 5 to 10%.

like you did.

i don't know. i'm lost.

life choice.

rubbed off my skin accidentally.

it was somehow awesomely painful.

if i disappear from this world

probably nobody will notice it

thus, i have to confirm my own existence

As I lie on e bed thinking abt ur bday, I felt sorrows dripping from my body, seeping through the mattress. 爸，生日快乐

im losing you as a friend.

im so sorry for being petty.

i guess it's all due to this silent fear of losing.

十分だけ

just ten minutes. so that i have the benefit of time. and benefit of heart. i don't have to worry about anyone putting me off or hurting me. no more speculation. coz i only asked for ten minutes. i'm afraid to ask for more, and more, and more... so it's easier to stop at ten minutes.

この感じはなんですか？分からないよ。好きの同時も嫌いと思う。どうして？もっと簡単ほうがいいよ。でも、どうしてできない？今私は道で迷うかな。。。

i didn't publish whatever i've written just now.

the outcome is unfathomable and may even be confusing.

the disease of overthinking.

fading memories captured in a fading photograph.

tell me what forever means.

the word itself has no meaning.

it shouldn't even exist.

i hate my stupid face when i see ppl dance.

走了嗎

後來聽說你嫁給了習慣　即使你並不是真的那麼喜歡
我很心疼你委屈自己　成全所有親朋好友的眼光和期盼
知道你打從心裡不願意　為了保護自己　所以拼命攻擊
當時的善良如今演不下去　我才明白這是一齣沒有酬勞的戲

走了嗎　你想走我不能留
走了嗎　走了就不要回頭
我只是不情願　我只是不願承認

走了嗎　你想走我不能留
走了嗎　走了就不要回頭
我只是不習慣　我只是不能承擔

還記得我們最後的絕裂　憎恨著彼此　卻有捨不得的眼淚
我走也不是　留也不行
直到今天還是不懂　當初為何要分開　走了嗎

in her drunken stupor, she told us that the huge bonsai of yellow roses by the window side fell down from 10th storey of our house.

she attributed the cause to the strong winds.

i couldn't help but think that she's the cause of it.

honestly.

what the fuck.

if she really threw that down from our window, she's just unforgivable.

no matter how deeply you have drown yourself in self-pity, you have no rights to implicate others. you have no rights to put anyone else in danger.

what the fuck, seriously.

i really wish that i'm wrong and that i owe you an apology for thinking you in that way.

i really wish so.

but right now, i can't be sure.

you said that the whole world is selfish. but do you have any idea that you're the worst? you break your son's and daughter's hearts like nobody's business every single time you get drunk.

shut up already. shut up.

i think i know where this is leading me to.

i think i should stop it.

guess it'll stop raining soon...

i am nothing.

http://stooffi.wordpress.com/2010/09/19/poignant/

after viewing her post, i broke down helplessly.

i've not cried so much since dad left.

i felt so hopelessly helpless that i called.

and every time after i called that unfortunate guy/gal just to cry to him/her, i have to apologise for crying to that person.

thanks princess, for picking up my phone and listen to me wail for 2 mins plus...

i'm really scared. and i really need to dance.

it sucks completely that i can only watch ppl dance and not do it on my own.

this experience taught me smtg abt myself...

that i truly need dance.

i feel insignificant and minute without it.

but i want to feel surreal.

bigger than life.

and till now, only dance can give me that.

i really wish i could dance soon...

i miss you and i need you

but now, i'm doubting that you feel the same

at all

i'll never forget that. 2nd sept 2010, the first time i sustained an injury from dance. ligament tear on my left knee area.

and it was 2 weeks away from concert. according to sensei, ligament tear takes a 100 days to fully recover.

fuck.

just when i think that things can't be worse, i slipped on friday and injured the same part again.

1 week of home confinement and crutches and feeling useless all gone to the drain coz of that.

i cried coz it was so painful... and i just need someone to hug me and tell me that it's alright. thank god brother was there. if mum was there i doubt she can give me that. she'll probably just scold/blame me for being stupidly careless again.

when brother helped me with massaging, i was strongly reminded of dad, how he used to help me with my various injuries coz of my carelessness.

mother just happened to herself again.

same thing. she and excessive alcohol combined never fails to make her the saddest woman on Earth.

once again, i wished that she can get her wish and die earlier.

there she goes. blabbering the old news.

her biggest mistake in life is to bring me and my brother to life.

blah blah blah. blah blah blah.

dad, thank goodness you're not here to hear this. i'm sure you'll be pained.

but i dun feel anything anymore. this has happened far too many times.

but i was reminded again how i'm unable to dance in my last school concert. how i can't cry with others and make my make-up run on stage.

but things happen for a reason. and although we dunno the reason, perhaps it's destined that we dun. coz once we know the reason, we might have wished that we never knew. like how Ted in HIMYM is.

my greatest fear is that if i risk it this time, something worse will happen and i'll never be able to dance anymore.

never have I felt so fucking stressed for a dance concert

vacation Robin was really different from hometown Robin.

and i think that's very true for me too.

perhaps for u too.

if you had a chance to write a last letter, i wonder how it'll be?

2 days ago, when i was talking to keke in can 2 and we randomly touched on the topic of driving, i suddenly recalled how's dad's car is like, and how because of my stupidity i didn't pass the 1st 2 rounds in time to drive it, and i nearly broke down in front of keke.

thanks for being there keke. u know it's hard for me to open up. thanks...

it wasn't just a normal dance session. it wasn't.

perhaps it's due to the fact that i know you on a highly personal basis. and that i've the honour to share your secrets.

for once, i felt that i've walked into the choreographer's skin when i danced. i felt the music. i felt the actions. i felt him.

if you ask me now which dance do i really want to own, this will be it. i was really down that i couldn't remember the steps. hope i'm not finding an excuse here, but perhaps i felt the emotions a lil too much.

when i texted him about his dance, i almost teared when i saw his reply. because it's the truth that i always kept to myself as a secret.

who am i lying to when i pretend that i don't feel the emptiness when i heard those words? i felt the missing piece in me when i was doing the choreo. so permanent. so empty. so helpless.

i will never be complete again.

never.

but it's these emptiness that makes life complete. without them, life is nothing.

with these emptiness, people come up with masterpieces of art that embrace various aspects of life.

today, you've told your secrets in the most beautiful and amazing way ever. it's electrifying. and i'm not exaggerating a word here.

perhaps i should learn to share, too.

thanks razzie. i love you.

Can't help but remember that father's day is around the corner.

I'll never forget what happened on our last father's day.

父亲节快乐!

I asked my brother, what happened to his mother yesterday late night when I was supposed to be asleep.
My brother said, she happened to herself.
I find the statement blog worthy.

It has been raining these few days. I don't remember te sky being so depressed 2 years ago. Or was it?
A showcase of umbrellas, splash of colours and patterns. Rainy days build the perfect runway for them.
Each umbrella contains a little private space. One's universe.
Sometimes we share our private space, trying to shield one or two from the harsh realities of world by reminding them that they are not alone. Even though we may not be completely dry from showers of sorrows, at least you can bask in the happiness of sharing.
A family should share an umbrella.
What are you doing? Standing in the rain with a self purchased tiny pathetic paper umbrella, wallowing in self pity and drenching in self created misfortune.
How self centered and selfish can you go?

She happened to herself.

Dad, I'm glad that you don't have to see this.

Back when the war for our souls was still raw, dog thinking it was god, the devil lived in hearts and heads while the evil live in us all, a dab of ba

T

it's june.

you do have strong resemblance to daddy.

sometimes when i see you, i feel that i see him.

almost 2 years.

time flies.

曾在电影中听到那么一句话．

是句不怎么重要的话，却很奇特地让我留下深刻的印象．

主角说：“photos are for people who cannot remember。”

发黄的照片，就像老旧的记忆，慢慢慢慢地退去。

今天是5月28日。一个月后，是你离去的2周年。

我总是对自己说，没有人会因为没有谁而不能活。

是真的。

只是活下去的方式不一样罢了。

带着永存的那个缺口，继续在这世界上打滚。。。

找寻能补贴缺口的东西，是一个完全不可能的任务。

不可能。

不可能。

when i was filling in my indemnity form for the emergency contact portion

i almost wrote your number in.

94511527.

even though you're gone, you're with me.

i know.

overdosage of pungent perfumed mist

can't musk the putrid stench of your alcoholic breath.

im not against drinking.

not against getting drunk.

but honestly

wad's e point of being drunk when u only recall sad memories?

the purpose of getting drunk is to be happy, isn't it?

really.

wadeva.

drunk in your sorrows, for all you wish.

tells daughter that dad leaves because he doesn't want to see his daughter grow up.

threatens to jump off from 10th floor.

dips head into fish tank.

screams.

bangs into walls and floors.

dips head into detergent water for mopping floor.

tells son and daughter that they are her biggest mistake in life.

hopeless pathetic fucking drunkard.

so not worth it to lose all appetite and all happiness for you.

but i couldn't help it.

what the fuck.

a lot went through my mind.

but now i dunno how to materialize them into words.

i'm genuinely not angry. Disappointed? Yes. Sad? Yes.

i called. you answered and said to call back later. i called back later. you didn't pick up. i msg you twice to ask you when is the best time to call. then i suggested you calling me back instead since you're so busy. and you didn't. until i said that i'm gonna ignore you for 2 weeks. then you sms 2 words.

call me.

petty? perhaps. but can you really blame me for being petty?

you know, the best thing abt blogging is that, i can do it anytime as long as i've a comp/iphone. i dun have to implore for your attention.

i treat you as my best friend. you know it. i told you so much abt me. i trusted you. a lot.

and i hope that the usage of past tense didn't come to my fingertips so naturally.

when you are sad, i always try my best to be there. even when my friend is ard, i'll try to keep my phone by my side. coz i know that you are sad. and i want to be there.

i'm not saying that you are obliged to do the same. coz i want to be there for you. it's my choice. but i guess i expect some form of reciprocal as well. i'm not as magnanimous as i thought i could be. it just can't be a one-way communication/give-in.

and now, i'm lost for words. it's painful. but it won't kill.

i'll heal. alone. as always.

let's see

it rained.

i didn't have an umbrella.

i alighted at the wrong bus stop.

i couldn't get a cab at all.

i walked and only found my way after half an hour.

i was wearing wedges and one of them fell off during that half an hour.

i still suck at driving.

honestly, what else?

and why wouldn't i be surprised?

每一首我曾为之疯狂的歌曲都述说了我那一时期的故事

几经尘封，又听到时，总会想到那一时期的故事。

感慨良多。

真的，老了。

I wonder how it feels like to have blood trickling down the wrists

一个星期了。

miss walking randomly.

CNY is just around the corner.

Suddenly I remembered that last year CNY eve, i cried like mad.

Thinking of you.

when people say that bad things happen consecutively, it's true.

abstinence.

fact that there'll only be 3ppl (boss, perm staff, me) left by March.

drunk mum.

what else? i'm preparing myself for more.

when her dad sang for her, i felt tears welling up.

will you do that for me if you were still around?

I'm not afraid of dying alone, I'm afraid of dying without you.
I may not know who you are yet, I may have already met you, I may have already lost you

- Stephen Gomez

trying to enter your world.

but it seems like a vain attempt.

i could only take the position of an onlooker.

and watch you from afar.

mesmerized.

if i were to die now, will anyone rem me?

if yes, wad will you rem me as?

if yes, will you think abt me at least once everyday?

if only one could know before one withers and dies.

what a cheery picture for a negative post.

yes i know it's 2nd jan, but i can't help it.

i've been playing a certain stage from last year till now and yet, i just never seem to pass it.

i started to doubt my self-worth.

ok ok. it may seem very crazy. it's just a game right? and playing games is all about making one feel happy and yada yada yada...

but i'm weird. so here goes.

i started to think what i'm good at. apart from dance. and i'm not even that good.

i realised i can't find any other answers.

maybe good at messing up? good at failing?

oh yar. i'm quite good at that. indeed.

what else?

smtg else.

i don't like the idea of quitting. so even though i've tried a million times and failed a million times, i won't give up. i will attempt it the same method for a few times and if it fails, i'll try other methods. but i won't give up.

i'm good at being stubborn eh?