sugar coated peanuts.

the snack that only my dad and i enjoy feasting on.

and now, it's just me.

today i wonder, why dad and not mum?

is it unfilial for me to wonder that?

listen out.

my mum is amazing. she can keep on and on throwing temper and tantrums about the same stuff which should long be left behind with ashes and dust of the past. i have no idea how she manages to do it. and i have no idea why she wants to do that. it does not make anyone feel better, including herself.

it just hurts. it just kills. it just makes everyone feels pissed and tired.

as if we do not have enough on our minds already.

i haven't uttered a word the whole day. i felt that once i open my mouth, the wrong words fall.

it started since ytd till now. the 8 hours of sleep seems insufficient.

i would wonder, if mum was the one, at least there are reasons for us and her to be happy. at least she will not be unhappy anymore. at least she could drop her loathe and hatred.

at least we would not be tortured anymore.

like an ancient recorder, she repeats and repeats the history over and over again and again. like an endless merry-go-round, trapped, unable to leave it.

till now, when dad is gone, she still does it. and i really want to question her.

why? does it matter now? does history matters? does your hatred matters? can you reverse time? can you return back to the start.

no

no

no

you obviously can't. you know it, and yet you stubbornly refuse to let it go with the winds.

nobody traps you except for yourself. and you alone refuse to let yourself off. it's your business. you refuse to settle it and what do you want us to do? we can't do anything but feel your stabs in the hearts once, twice, thrice, endless.

the pain is worse than being murdered. do you know that?

there are so many many wounds and scars that time is unable to heal them all completely.

drained... drained...