drunk in the day

sober at night

brother is away at batam.

mum is all alone at home.

she called me at 7 plus. but i was at dance.

i tried calling 20 over times since 11pm.

but the phone is engaged.

it only escalates my fear.

i keep on thinking that mum will leave us very soon.

to seek dad.

it might be anytime.

sometimes i think that perhaps this is what she wants.

and perhaps i should not be so worried.

but i'm so sorry mum.

i'm so scared. i bet that if i hear your voice now i'll cry.

i'm fucking worried. i'm just trying to keep myself fucking busy now.

omfg. are you ok at home?

i'm going to call you early tml. pls pick up the phone.

i know you'll be pissed if you see me rushing back home coz it just means that i don't trust you.

which actually i don't.

but i shall just try to keep calm now.

i shall keep myself busy.

i shall not cry.

i shall be busy.

I dreamt of dad again.

In my dreams, he got a disease, which caused his skin to turn dark red.
But at least, he was alive.
CNY is coming, but I am not anticipating it.
Not a single bit.
First new year without dad.
Do you think things will turn better for us this year?

the fishes residing at your place...

when i laid my head on my pillow

when dust settle for the night and all things gone quiet

thoughts start running in my head

i thought of dad once again.

i saw my friend's family photo

and wondered why we didn't take a proper one

before everything was too late

i saw my friend rushing off as his dad came to pick him up

and thought i'm seeing my past

ning commented that it's hard for me to cry

and ky named his doubts

it was hard to make me cry

and still am

simply because i cry in solitude

the negative energy within me, i feel

has increased by folds

i used to be able to control it

but now i felt its emission

i cowered on the bed

as tears rolled down like snowballs down the slope

how i yearned for dad to come and hug me

console and coax me into sleep

the thought that it will never happen again in this world

only made things worse.

i can feel my heart shattered

i can feel the piercing pain

i can feel the intense tightening of my chest

as i tried to cry in silence

a headache follow suit

and the party of the solemn began

if there were an alternate reality where you exist

let me in.

i hate staying at home in the afternoons.

i hate people calling my mum and ask her how she is.

i hate it when mum drinks beer.

i hate it when brother shouts.

i hate staying at home in the afternoons coz any of these things will happen.

my mum kept saying i have to pass my btt and ftt and practical asap.

kept saying it.

it's not a matter of whether i want to or not, it's a matter of luck as well.

it's not that i don't want to learn driving. but she's giving me too much of it.

i know that dad's car is still around. and i know that somebody's gotta drive it.

it's either u or me.

so i shall give it a go.

i need to drive.

not that i want to.

i can imagine how slow i will be, i can imagine how stressful i will be, i can imagine how many times i will get lost on those roads, i can imagine how much time will be wasted.

and i don't want to imagine any accidents.

i'm really scared about it. and she's not helping much at all.

by getting drunk and telling me all that, you think it's gonna help?

retreating to my shell. coiling up. withering.

555th post

But for now, let me say,

without any hope or agenda,

just because it's Christmas.

(and at Christmas you tell the truth)

To me, you are perfect.

And my wasted heart will love you...



Christmas eve blew past with snow. Of course, i really meant rain but how much i wish for the rain to turn to snow. Had a date with the dentist and went for a movie after that. Not with the dentist (simply because he has dates with a lot of other patients) but with mum and bro. Bedtime stories, i love it. Such a cute happy movie. Showing happy endings and wad-nots.

Adam Sandler is right. There IS no happy endings. They only happen in fairy tales.
My fairy tale has ended.
My fairy tale has eloped with you.
It's so quiet now, it doesn't seem like Christmas eve at all.
It's so quiet that it hurts.
Crying and silence comes as a pair in my life.

Merry Christmas.

To me, you are perfect.

And my wasted heart will love you... forever and ever